Dear Mom and Dad,
As I’m waiting for my vocal cords to develop and for you to buy me that iPad that I’ve repeatedly asked for (with my eyes), there are some things I’d like to discuss with you. I know you want me to be adorable and memorable when you order photos for the family, so I make cute and funny faces. I understand that it’s important that I am a cooler baby than any of your friends’ babies so I chill when they come around. I also know you want your friends to see that you are still awesome, so I smile as you dress me in that Bob Dylan onesie Sam and Caroline gave me as a birthday gift this year (and yes, you are cool for putting me in this).
I know all of these things, and I appreciate what you are trying to do; however, I’ve been on good behavior, so we need to address my wardrobe.
According to article five of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and I’m slightly paraphrasing here, no one shall be a subject of torture and cruelty or inhuman and degrading treatment; also, no one shall be punished for no reason. I’m fairly certain 40 to 60 percent of the contents of my armoire are in violation of this principle. Henceforth, please remove any and all items with the following characteristics:
- Food costumes — I am a person, not a hamburger or lobster. Listen, Halloween only comes once a year, so don’t ruin it.
- Wigs and bows — I am not, nor do I aspire to be, Bob Marley, Minnie Mouse or Donald Trump.
- Baby or novelty eyewear — I am not on a network procedural crime drama with Abby Brammell. I don’t need aviators in any size. I can’t see out of them.
- Political costumes or items with political messages — Baby world leaders, good or evil, are not okay. Furthermore, I will make my own decisions about who to vote for and what I want to say about it. Please refrain from using me as a billboard.
In the past few months, the following items were the most egregious violators of my basic human right to not look like a total nitwit. These are an indication of items that, if put on my person, will result in a cease and desist order from my lawyer or other legal action. This is an open letter that I have released to the media to help other unfortunate souls. As such, I have opted not to publish photographic evidence of the incidents in question.
Troll Hair: You put this on my head in honor of the summer Olympics and paired it with a blue Team USA tank top. I, like everyone else, was thrilled by the success of Phelps and Lochte; distraught when Maroney bungled her second vault; and a little teary when May-Treanor and Jennings took home their third gold in beach volleyball. Unlike everyone else, I looked like a jerk with an itchy head.
Off-Brand Dinosaur: Firstly, just seeing this on a child should tell you how awful it is. Since it didn’t — and I’ve been forced to wear it three times — let me point out some of the problems. Mitten hands mean I can’t use my fingers; fingers I quite like and am working with diligently to improve dexterity. Googley eyes on the forehead mean i look like I have two pairs of eyes and that’s just creepy. No one looks at my eyes when they talk to me. A dinosaur? Really? And one that’s off-brand and unlicensed to boot? If I’m going to be forced into looking like an angry extinct creature with a brain smaller than a peanut, can I at least have the dignity of it being a beloved character?
I could add several more, however, I don’t want this to serve as an overly harsh criticism of your parenting style. Rather, this letter is meant to open your eyes and help you make better decisions. Thank you for your time and consideration. I love you and am truly thankful for all that you do for me.
P.S. Can a guy get a diaper change around here?
Guest post by Valerie Garcia
Val is a stay-at-home mom and blogger from Denver.